Saturday, May 3, 2014

My one hour of online dating

Like most, I just want to find someone to love. Well, I figured what better way to meet new people than online dating? So I sit down Saturday morning and spend a good chunk of time making my okcupid profile. I'm not even one paragraph into my profile before I get a message from a 6'6" super Christian. That's almost a foot and a half taller than me, plus I am super not a super Christian.

Then, I finish my "about me" section and look at potential matches. Literally the first match was my best friend's ex who's twin brother I hang out with on a regular basis. Then two people from my high school are on the first page, one being my junior year prom date.

Needless to say, I deactivated my profile immediately. 


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Stopping Traffic

So I have this blind double date planned. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, but I dress casual and try my best to look as pretty as I can.

On my way I have to stop at a tiny store to pick up my fermentation CSA share. It's on this tiny side street in the city next to the railroad tracks with broken glass all over the road. Every time I go, there are kids walking on the tracks heading somewhere. So as I'm leaving the store one of the kids shouts "Hey, you're pretty!" That's a good sign, if random kids think I'm pretty, this date could go well.

I park 3 blocks away from the restaurant, I prefer to walk and clear my head before seeing people. I get the okay to walk light and this pizza delivery car is in the walkway. No big deal, I was just going to go around the front of him. But he puts his car in reverse, the whole time making eye contact with me. I flail my arms trying to get him to stop. He backs into a county vehicle. I quickly walk away. But I took that as another sign that I was pretty that day and my date would go well.

Looking back a few months

So I lived in Seattle for 7 years and was rooting for the Seahawks at a sports bar one day near my home town back in NY. I had run into a good high school friend a few weeks previous and the bar I was at was close to his house. So I shoot him a text saying he should come join me to watch the game. Now let me get something straight; I realize how that sounded, but what happens later still shouldn’t have happened.

So he asks if he can watch the next playoff game with me too, and that he knows a great bar near his work. Fine, whatever, sounds good, I didn’t want to drink alone anyway. So we meet up for the second playoff game and I am making absolutely no signs that I like him at all. I’m facing the tv’s, not laughing at his jokes, just trying to enjoy the game.  

That’s when he says, “So, I’m your boyfriend now.” 

I say laughing, “Oh, is that so? No one told me.”

He says “Well, what other option do you have?”

Excuse me? What other option do I have? First off, at the time I already had a boyfriend, so there’s a pretty strong option. Second, no one is going to coerce me into being their girl friend. Where’s the romance? Where are the compliments? No other options? Have fun sleeping alone tonight. Needless to say, I never texted him back after that.

I need to write this shit down

My life the past 8 months has been an endless source of entertainment for me. It may be because some of the worst moments of my life have also happened during that time, so the good and crazy ones seem to be exponentially better. I have laughed more in the past month alone than I have in the past 5 years.

Here’s an example from today:

I’m at my weekly networking meeting for my small business, nothing out of the ordinary.  I go into the regular restaurant to pay my bill and get called over by these ~50-60 year old guys that I have talked to a couple of times before. I sit down with them and they ask why they haven’t seen me in the last 2 months. I give them a condensed version of the not so funny parts of my life, which then makes them protective of me. They ask me to start coming to their motorcycle gang meetings and rides. But I’ve never ridden a motorcycle! That’s fine they say, I can ride on the back and I can join the girl’s part of their gang. They say I’ll fit right in and feel super comfortable at their outings and that the first dinner is free for me. My response, “I guess I need to get a leather jacket.” 

I wake up thinking it’s going to be an ordinary day and right off the bat I’m recruited into a motorcycle gang. It’s going to be a good day.